I find out we're running out of Respirodol, at the exact moment when there's only several day's worth left, at a time when there is NO POSSIBILITY OF GETTING A REFILL.

So my mom waits until NOW to tell me that. She puts off her fucking psychiatrist appointment (I'm getting the medication through her), and can't make another or get more pills because she has no money.

So I'm fucking screwed.

And I'm tired of this. I'm tired of having to go through the anxiety- no, the fucking terror of what might happen if I don't have any pills to support me. I thought a while back I would go off pills entirely, but I've been reading books about schizophrenia and reading horror stories about what happens when people go off their pills.

And now I don't even get a fucking choice. I don't have a psychiatrist of my own, even though I supposedly still have insurance (insurance I could lose at any moment anyway because it requires me to go to school twenty hours a week and I can barely manage eight).

I'm so fucking overwhelmed I just want to kill myself. This isn't a suicide alert or anything but I'm pissed, I'm scared, and I feel like crying.

No one can fucking help me, and no one's willing. There's always the obstacle course of shit involving insurance, psychiatry appointments, prescriptions, and refills. Without money I just get to be sick and insane and no one gives a flying fuck.

In summary, I'M SCREWED, ANGER ANGER ANGER, ANGST ANGST ANGST, KILL KILL KILL, I HATE EVERYTHING ARGH.


------------------------

Yeah, so it's two AM, and my mom decides to emerge from her room to get on the fucking laptop. Right as I'm going to bed. And I tell her, in a normal tone of voice, "Mom, I'm going to bed." (I have to sleep on the couch because sleeping in the bedroom gives me nightmares all the time.) And she doesn't say anything, so I x out all the programs and start to shut my computer down. So I remind her again, "Mom, I need to go to bed now." And she says, all bitchy-like, "I HEARD YOU!" And I say, "Well how am I supposed to know if you don't say anything?"

So I go to brush my teeth and when I get out, she's still on the laptop. I sit on the couch and wait. I tap my nails on my book. And wait. And she's just watching TV and chatting on her Yahoo chat room. So I tell her I'm waiting for her to get off. And I wait. So the next time I tell her she gets all bitchy with me again, and anyway, it escalates into a fight, where she uses all her stupid, meaningless techniques JUST because she's a vindictive bitch, and not because she has anything meaningful to say about me. I called her childish, and she starts in on how I'M the childish one for not going to school, and we've been over it a million times now that I'm TRYING and I can't HELP IT, and she goes for another old classic, saying I'm selfish, and another, saying everyone she talks to agrees with her about me being a bad kid and treating her oh so horribly and how I'm going to have to move out.

She's been saying this shit for YEARS. A broken record that plays every time the least bit of conflict comes up. "You don't care about anyone but yourself. Everyone else in the world thinks you're wrong. Everyone else in the world does better than you. Why don't you just leave?" And she says this time she's serious about kicking me out.

Well, that's great. I have no fucking place to go. My dad's place isn't an option, and neither is my brother's. And even if I do stay here, I'm going off my medication soon, so how am I supposed to deal with the symptoms of my illness AND a childish, immature, bitchy mom, too? I can't HANDLE the stress. The least bit of stress could set me off, and here you have this child in a grown woman's body who can't put aside her own pleasure for something that's NECESSARY to someone else, who thinks she can blame everything on me without consequences and she never does anything wrong.

I'm fucking overwhelmed, I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have offline friends, my dad never seems to have time to talk to me. Hell, I even called the suicide hotline, just to have someone to talk to, and they hung up on me, twice, without ever picking up.

I'm so tired of feeling so POWERLESS. I'm tired of having to live with and deal with the whims of this fat, unwashed, self-centered, neurotic bitch. I'm tired of having nowhere to go, and no one to count on, and no place to get any real help.

Just fucking sick of it...